Chuck Norris, The Legend

So David has had me on this Chuck Norris trip. He's always making Chuck Norris jokes. I am a little tired of hearing them, but at the same time, I do find them rather humorous. So, here's to Chuck Norris, hope you enjoy! Oh yeah, check out Chuck Norris Facts for more fun and games!

1. When the boogeyman goes to bed everynight, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
2. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinty... twice!
5. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
6. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
8. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
9. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
10. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around YOU.
12. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
13. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
14. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
15. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
16. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
17. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
18. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
19. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
20. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
21. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
22. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
23. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
24. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
25. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
26. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
27. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
28. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
29. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
30. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
31. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
32. Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
33. When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
34. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
35. Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
36. Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
37. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
38. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
39. When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
40. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
41. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
42. Chuck Norris can taste lies.
43. Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
44. Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
45. July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
46. The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
47. As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
48. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
49. Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
50. Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

And... I'm spent.... I think I never want to hear another Chuck Norris joke again.

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

--dies, from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face--